『レイコ』 (reiko_narita) wrote in selfinthemirror,
『レイコ』
reiko_narita
selfinthemirror

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Hi. Um...I'm Reiko and I just joined.

It's weird but for a while I haven't given my body much thought, but ever since Elementary school, I've hated my body. I've always hated it and I hate it now. Whenever I want to forget or try to forget, it's always there, reminding me of how much I actually loathe my appearance. I just...I don't see anything good about and even thought family members and some friends have said there is nothing wrong with me, I don't feel that way. I've gone to the doctor to treat my depression, but medication can only do so much.

I don't enjoy crying all the time on account of the way I look and now I'm afraid that people will start hating me because I cannot accept the way I look. I don't cry because I want attention. I hate crying. It gives me a horrible feeling.

I've tried working out, but I always seem to get off track and through the years, their have been a lot of reason why that has happened. I am currently 19 and in college. I've broken every vow to get in shape, but never on purpose. While I was still in high school, I thought my habits would change and I was hoping I would change on the inside and outside. But they haven't and I haven't. Since high school, I've always tried to hide myself. And now, more so than ever. Everyday I wear a white T-shirt, blue jeans, and a gray hoodie. To give you an idea of how big I am, I used to be a size 12, now I'm a size 14. I was pretty happy at being a 12, but knowing that I had to go up in size, lets me know just how huge I am.

Next weekend is my cousin's wedding reception and my mother and grandmother took me clothes shopping, because I have nothing to wear for the occasion. Well, at first I thought we might find something, even though a few days before I was feeling my self-esteem go down. However, after trying one thing on after another, I knew that it was a waste of time. My mother and grandmother kept saying that I looked good, but I didn't feel that I looked good. Right now, I'm trying my best not to cry myself into a headache and it's really difficult. I've done everything I can do to distract my mind from today's activities, but nothing works. I just feel so alone and depressed and helpless.

As far as my eating habits go, I wouldn't brag about them. I do eat things that I shouldn't. And I can't help myself. It's not that I don't like some fruits and vegetables, it's just that I am given an option and my taste buds and stomach decide for me. I want to get in shape because I know that I am overweight, but I find it so very difficult. My mother has said once or twice that I can only work with what I have or get in shape. I've never liked that statement and I don't like hearing it, because I feel that I don't have the discipline to achieve anything. Besides, my schedule is tight because of classes and I get home very very late, so by the time I get home, all I have time to do is, study, take a bath, eat something, then go to bed.

I honestly hope I don't sound whiny but this is how I feel. I could complain about my whole life, but I know, if I can somehow set my body straight, I'd have one less thing to worry about. And if I can't get my body straight, I want to at least have a better outlook. I've tried thinking of positive things, but I failed.

Um...thanks for listening.
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If you keep getting off track with exercise, you may want to try a different sort of exercise. I thought for a long time that I hated exercise, then found one I like. (I'm weird--I don't like team sports, and most gym classes bore me silly, but I like weight-lifting. There's no One True Workout: the right exercise is the one you actually do.)

You're not huge. But I'm sure lots of people have told you that, why should you listen to me? Maybe no reason. But I'm bigger than you are, healthy (well, except for things like a rotator cuff injury that have nothing to do with weight or appearance), and loved, not despite my body but with it and for it. It is possible.

Weird thought: what sort of bodies do you find attractive? I don't just mean people you're attracted to sexually or romantically--who do you look at and think "she's good-looking"? Try finding things that you have in common with them--maybe your hair is the same color as that person, maybe you and she have the same color eyes, maybe she's wearing a white t-shirt and you can see that it looks good.
I've tried finding people, even celebrities, but that never works out.

I've tried weight-lifting and it wasn't too bad. But, I seem to do poorly when made to exercise by myself. If I were in a gym class setting, where working out is part of the grade, I could do it. But it's just too hard for me to do it on my own at home. I can't explain it. Maybe I have no excuse, but even if I don't, I feel that I don't have the discipline to do it.

I know that people say I'm not huge, but I definately feel huge. When I said earlier about being happy as a size 12, I meant that was as big as I ever wanted to be.