It's weird but for a while I haven't given my body much thought, but ever since Elementary school, I've hated my body. I've always hated it and I hate it now. Whenever I want to forget or try to forget, it's always there, reminding me of how much I actually loathe my appearance. I just...I don't see anything good about and even thought family members and some friends have said there is nothing wrong with me, I don't feel that way. I've gone to the doctor to treat my depression, but medication can only do so much.
I don't enjoy crying all the time on account of the way I look and now I'm afraid that people will start hating me because I cannot accept the way I look. I don't cry because I want attention. I hate crying. It gives me a horrible feeling.
I've tried working out, but I always seem to get off track and through the years, their have been a lot of reason why that has happened. I am currently 19 and in college. I've broken every vow to get in shape, but never on purpose. While I was still in high school, I thought my habits would change and I was hoping I would change on the inside and outside. But they haven't and I haven't. Since high school, I've always tried to hide myself. And now, more so than ever. Everyday I wear a white T-shirt, blue jeans, and a gray hoodie. To give you an idea of how big I am, I used to be a size 12, now I'm a size 14. I was pretty happy at being a 12, but knowing that I had to go up in size, lets me know just how huge I am.
Next weekend is my cousin's wedding reception and my mother and grandmother took me clothes shopping, because I have nothing to wear for the occasion. Well, at first I thought we might find something, even though a few days before I was feeling my self-esteem go down. However, after trying one thing on after another, I knew that it was a waste of time. My mother and grandmother kept saying that I looked good, but I didn't feel that I looked good. Right now, I'm trying my best not to cry myself into a headache and it's really difficult. I've done everything I can do to distract my mind from today's activities, but nothing works. I just feel so alone and depressed and helpless.
As far as my eating habits go, I wouldn't brag about them. I do eat things that I shouldn't. And I can't help myself. It's not that I don't like some fruits and vegetables, it's just that I am given an option and my taste buds and stomach decide for me. I want to get in shape because I know that I am overweight, but I find it so very difficult. My mother has said once or twice that I can only work with what I have or get in shape. I've never liked that statement and I don't like hearing it, because I feel that I don't have the discipline to achieve anything. Besides, my schedule is tight because of classes and I get home very very late, so by the time I get home, all I have time to do is, study, take a bath, eat something, then go to bed.
I honestly hope I don't sound whiny but this is how I feel. I could complain about my whole life, but I know, if I can somehow set my body straight, I'd have one less thing to worry about. And if I can't get my body straight, I want to at least have a better outlook. I've tried thinking of positive things, but I failed.
Um...thanks for listening.